I am sitting here writing my blog without internet service. That alone is frustrating and creates the crankies. Especially if you multiply it by 4 people.
On top of that, Adele has become quite a handful. Everyone is guessing it is terminal restlessness. Well, that is fine except it has been going on for a couple of weeks and her behavior is atrocious.
After a very difficult weekend I got on the phone this am to get approval for extra sedative for her. Even with it, she was dark, grumpy, disagreeable and most distressing- that never ending demanding attitude. So after an uneasy afternoon I told her I would be sitting in the living room with her tonight instead of watching the counter and talking to the dance moms. The relief on her face was obvious. So I came and sat with them. Guess what???? No problems. She is watching tv just like the old days. No need to get up constantly, no arguing with Grandpa, no creating drama, no fussing. It is a much needed relief to see this. Now mind you she is on an extra dose of her “butt kicker” but I didn’t see a big improvement until I came out and sat with them.
The nurse aid who bathes her and the LPN feel that she has begun kidney failure. I was relieved to hear this. First of all, it explains a lot of the symptoms and behaviors we are seeing and second of all, it means there is an end in sight. While passing over is an uneasy subject, the idea that she will be passing from kidney failure is a better option than passing from the cancer eating her up. Her sister was in this very same place in her cancer at one point and instead of accepting things, she fought it and insisted on dialysis and died such a violent, painful death. It only extended her life a few months, but instead of a peaceful passing, hers was really awful. Thankfully Adele’s will be much sweeter and quieter which we really need because of Grandpa.
Grandpa is hanging in there and I think he will do ok without her. He may not live a long time after her death, but it will be a much needed break for all of us, including Gramps after she passes on.
Tonight after grandpa went to bed, I talked with her briefly about the situation to make sure she didn’t have anything she needed to tell me. She didn’t. She is very content and just as I thought, she is very satisfied that I have taken care of all the business. We tried to just have one of us sit with her, including her son, all weekend but that didn’t do squat. So it looks as though some of this mayhem she has created was her way of letting me know that it is me she needs right now. Ok, so the woman who digs at me every chance she gets, wants me to be with her for this difficult transition in her life.
Now that is the behavior I predicted months ago. So I guess I will probably be the one who is with her when she passes. That is ok. I always thought that might be the case.
Still no major breaking news in the “taking care of business to pass over department“, BUT since I have come to sit, her whole demeanor has changed. So I think she is preparing, even if it is very different than what is described in the Hospice literature.
As I have stated often throughout this ordeal. It is most certainly one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am learning an enormous amount. I can see how much stronger it is making Matt and the girls too. We had no other choice, but we have no regrets.