Passing on and God

Ok, to most of us regular, ordinary Midwest folks over the age of 35-40, God and Jesus are part of our fabric. I grew up knowing that even those mad at God or those who were non practicers, if the chips were down, would suddenly remember God.
As I moved out of my northern Michigan isolation and met more people from all over the world, I came to realise that not everyone had such an understanding of God. Sadly, in addition our culture in the last 20-30 years has become increasingly secular so more and more children do not know God. But that is another post.
Myself, I could not, no I would not want to deal with everything life has to dish out if I wasn't in constant communication with the other side. It is what keeps me going in good times and in bad. We are practicing Catholics. But one side of my family was protestant and being a veteran home school family we are pretty well versed in all the facets of the protestant side of Christianity. My own beliefs are not strictly doctrinal. I have seen too much in my life to be too rigid, but it is very easy for me to say without a doubt: "There is a very active, communicating afterlife out there."
That brings me to the main point of this post. We almost lost Grandma 3 weeks ago. That day she was in definite communication with the other side. I never heard her refer to God, Jesus or any angels but she did have a guy in a janitor's uniform hanging around. He was her CUSTODIAN. So the afterlife does have a sense of humor. The next day she did whisper the Lord's Prayer quietly, but then NOTHING!
With each day, she became more and more demanding, spoiled, self absorbed and insistent she was back to rule the roost.
No self reflection, No talking to or about the relatives or the old days, no making peace, no finishing unfinished business. Just Ursula the sea Witch lording over the living room!
Grandma is very materialistic. They quit going to church a long time ago. And even before they quit they were the lazy Catholics us up north folks always shook our heads in bewilderment at who left Mass right after communion. For those of you who don't get this, northern Michigan is full of vacationers in the summer. Those guys would go to Mass in our churches and then after they received communion, instead of going back to their pews to pray, they always just continued out the exits. Us locals were always a little baffled about this ritual because it made no sense to us.
I am digressing. sorry.
Anyway, we always pray for a family meal. So I make any guest who is at our table pray too. I figure if nothing else, it teaches the different traditions families have. So Grandpa and Grandma also prayed at the house when they came over. Once they moved in the practice continued. Now most Catholics pray the "Bless us our Lord" prayer. Unless we have practicing protestant people over, that is the prayer we use also. If we have someone who is well versed in free prayer over, we let them lead.
Grandpa and Grandma were both raised with the "Bless us our Lord" prayer. So it has been an easy thing for them to remember as they have declined.
One day several months ago, we had carry out food and only a partial family attending. We began to eat without praying. Grandpa sat there and grinned at me and wouldn't eat. He kept smiling at me. I knew something was up, but couldn't figure it out. Finally he said "Well aren't we going to....and he genuflected (Father, Son, Holy Spirit thing for you non catholics) I said "Of Course and we all put down our food and prayed. Since that day we always pray no matter what. Grandma, for all her need to short cut things and completely destroy traditions, also has found solace in this.
So it was a bit of a surprise to me when it dawned on me last night as I watched her obsess over her calendar for what seemed like hours that perhaps these obsession spells that she goes through daily are part of her refusal to let the other side through. She also blasts the tv to deafening levels at different times of the day. I am certain that is what that is about. It also dawned on me that except for the meal prayer, the other person completely absent from her life is God, Jesus or even Mary. Hmmmmmm.........................................
This is a mystery that only she and the other side can solve. My best guess is that she went, saw something she didn't like or was told to go back and resolve something and so fell back into her shoes with a thud. (read a few posts back for more on that)
Unfortunately, all she is doing is refusing to deal with her upcoming passing. If she doesn't give in pretty soon she will suffer physically going out as her body is beginning to show distress. I hate to see that, but only she can make the changes needed.
My granny also died from geriatric cancer. She was 85. BUT there was a huge difference. She made peace with God and her affairs pretty quickly. Consequently, she went very gently and peacefully. Based on my observations, this really does seem to make a huge difference.

The Joys of a Sunny Fall Day

Well, Fall is officially here. September has been a pretty pleasant experience so far. Mild, sunny and dry for the most part. Sunday is my riding day and I was able to get away from my nurse duties for a while so off I went to ride. One little problem. No Jeni, the horse expert, to chaperon us.
What could possibly happen you say? Well, trail rides are pretty and romantic but they are also spooky and scary if you are a horse. Horses don't like the unknown and don't act all mellow and brave like you see on tv or the movies. My reflexes are pretty slow. I have not taken on too much in the riding department precisely because of that. Could I truly handle a spooked horse? It only takes a grasshopper or a weird piece of litter to find yourself running when you didn't plan to. So, after a discussion of what might possible get us into trouble today with Jeni, I decided I was ready to brave being in charge for the first time on a trail ride.
Kara called at the usual time. She is a neighbor girl and sister of one of our dancers who is now graduated and part of the staff. Being in her mid 20's, she is pretty level headed and responsible. So we have been training her all summer to be a second rider for just this kind of situation. Riding weekly for free works for Kara so it has been win-win for everyone. Riding alone on trails is not highly recommended for safety reasons. Plus it is a lot more fun to ride with others.
Anyhoo, I informed her we were on our own today and she was game, so we began our adventure. We were a success!! We had a beautiful ride and explored many of the acres we ride on.
Nothing like a warm. sunny Fall day and a nice horse ride to help you find God, peace and your inner strength. Now I am ready for the week ahead.

Update on chickens!

Grandma has 2 fresh eggs scrambled every day. One of the reasons she is still thriving so well I think. However, yesterday she turned them down so it may be one more sign the end is in sight. She has already given up all meats and real chewy foods.
Anyway, the other morning I opened a small egg and the yolk was only about 1 inch across. A sure sign that my babies are beginning to lay.
I can't wait to begin hatching now. The babies are going to be awesome!

Grandma's new DOO!

This is a picture Of Adele, aka Grandma K., and when I am really losing patience with her "Ursula the sea Witch". I just had to post this though, especially since I have not been so gracious in my writings about her of late.
This picture was taken Friday. She especially requested this because she loves her hairdo so much. Adele was never a wash and set weekly gal. Upon moving to Imlay City, that was one of the first clues that things were unraveling with the Kalinowski grandma. Her hair was looking pretty unkempt. I suggested she spoil herself with this. She eventually did find a hair dresser just down the block and she dearly loved Vicki, BUT she would only go sporadically and usually with no notice. Once she moved in with us, she kept trying to pull the "Give me the phone, I want to go get my hair washed and set now" garbage. No matter how much I explained that this was not courteous and that Vicki needed her to get on a schedule, it didn't sink in and she would just spew tantrums at me that only a mother-in-law can hurl. Luckily, she had largely forgotten how to use the phone correctly and I had the car keys so I was able with some gentle persuasion able to get her on a schedule by just working directly with Vicki. Of course after just 2 appointments she was hooked, so I then moved her to weekly which was taking car of hygiene as well as giving her a special day out. So that has been our Tuesday morning routine since December 2008. She attended those appointments every week even though it was getting increasingly difficult right up until the week we almost lost her in early September.
It took a little while to get Hospice organized the way I needed them to be but 2 Fridays ago our traveling hair dresser finally arrived. While Adele was thrilled with the shampoo, she immediately threw a fit over the hair do. So this week, Cyndy the drill Sargent, had to get Hospice and the traveling hair dresser to get their act together. (For any of you who have ever dealt with a chronic medical situation where there is a revolving door of staff invading your privacy non stop you can relate, I am sure)
So this week Kim arrived ready to tackle Ursula the Sea Witch and her angry attitude over her hair. With my fussing like a young mother and Kim's great expertise as a hair artist, we achieved the humongous task. Grandma wheeled back off to her chair satisfied. Now the big test-would she still be happy several hours later? Well, the litmus test is in the picture. She loved it so much she wanted a picture. So Kim is a resounding success and miracle worker!

Capac Days 2009

The float en route!

Some of the Just Dance gang!

Yesterday was the Capac Days parade which has a very long history as do many of the festivals and parades in little burgs in Michigan. Especially the thumb and southern Michigan. Anyway, 2007 was an anniversary of some sort. (Me thinks probably 150) So the festival and parade were absolutely wonderful and everyone wanted to keep up the momentum. Unfortunately there were a series of mishaps that were out of the control of the committee, but also there was a changing of the some of the guard and while there were some issues last year, this year it was a complete train wreck. To not add salt to anyone's wounds I'll refrain from giving an entertaining description. Now if you've ever met the parade chairman, you would know she is an "every I dotted, and every T crossed" kind of girl who is very organized, professional and an absolute delight to work with. Well, something went terribly wrong this week. Even living the next town over and really having nothing to do with Capac politics I got the picture loud and clear.
But, even with all the problems and the rain, the parade was successful and we had a really good experience. And for a quickly put together float on a brand new to us wagon the float looked great. Now that we have broken it in and know how much room we have we can make a really cool float next year. For those of you who do floats, you know everything has to be constructed on sight because any major road time will completely destroy even the best floats. Just dance does several parades each year and it is something the students and families always enjoy.

Good morning world!

I am writing a little more. Know why? Because I am the bright and early shift and nowadays you have to be positioned within eye and ear shot at all times or Grandma does crazy things like tell Grandpa to push her in the wheel chair while holding hot chocolate. She can be such a BRAT! She knows better, but she keeps doing things like that because she keeps trying to go back to the past when it was just the 2 of them. Yes, we are all about ready to move out and leave her here to rule herself.
Anyway, since they must be supervised at all times and since no one else is usually around in the bright and early hours I am getting some computer time once again. I actually don't mind too much.
Today I am determined to have a normal day. We have spent the better part of a week adjusting meds and watching like a hawk because it looked like something was going to give. In the meantime, Grandpa has quietly faded some more so in the end, he may go first. One thing is certain, he is getting more and more impatient with her too. Her refusal to deal with her emotional and spiritual affairs and to just insist she will sit on her throne here on earth for ever and ever is wearing everyone out.
Well I am off to deal with farm chores, dance chores and cooking. Who knows, maybe I'll even get to cut the grass a bit.

I have been watching Petticoat Junction as my late night tv lately. I love dvd boxed sets! I have always been a fan of both Green Acres and Petticoat Junction. The girls and I used to watch the reruns on tvland. Green Acres I actually remember as a child and loved it even then. But now watching the boxed sets I am thoroughly enjoying the characters of Hooterville. There is something truly enchanting about humor of the early 60's. It is a slower, sweeter humor and much more subtle but oh so wicked. Just watch old Rocky and Bullwinkle or Bugs Bunny cartoons for proof of that.
The characters of Hooterville jump back and forth between the 2 shows and they are like old friends to the audience, but Petticoat Junction revolves around the cannonball, an old locomotive that runs between Pixley and Hooterville with the Shady Rest in between the two. This is special to me because I can relate to the small town humor of the shows and once upon a time a long time ago, my grandparents operated a little diner/flea market/pony ring, etc. that was a stop for an old fashioned locomotive that ran from Lake City into my grandparents eatery and beyond. I am not sure how far west it ran. But I rode that train many, many times and it was a lot like the cannonball of the C & FW railroad from Petticoat Junction. I got to ride in the engine with my grandpa like Betty Jo does in the show. I am sure I am the only one of the grandkids who has any memories of this as I am the oldest. But it was pretty cool. Now writing about it I realize just how cool. I'll have to dig up some pictures of the station when I get a free minute to add to this post.
The Shadyrest and Lisa and Oliver Douglas's house remind me of some buildings or homes I spent a lot of time in as a kid. Does anyone from Cadillac remember Sandell's Auction house or Bonanza Auction? Sandell's had that spooky old house full of treasures feel and Bonanza was a junky building near what is now Kmart full of goodies. If I was real good I got to go on Friday night with my grandpa and granny. I think they went for fun and to stock the little diner. We also used to go to some place way south of town to pick up penny candy. It was somewhere near the cemetery.
Petticoat Junction sure has been a solace to a very complicated, difficult time in my life.

A little Philosophy and Ramblings about Nothing

Today things are very quiet in the Kalinowski household as is appropriate. I can't go outside to do chores or anything as Grandma MUST be supervised at all times so I am sitting in a very quiet house getting an opportunity to do a little computer catch up.
Today is different around here. No tv for grandma. She is sleeping all snuggled in her chair as she is confined to her chair. She loves her chair. She has cancer in the lung area now we think so sleeping flat is not comfortable or restful for her. I ordered her a hospital bed, BUT the first night she slept in it she got herself and Grandpa in huge trouble because she was not sleeping soundly, her dementia is getting pretty bad and she has this incessant need to make everything about "them against the world". Needless to say, I was dragged out of bed way too early, she was screaming at him because he couldn't be her servant (he can't recognize any of us any more and gets lost in the house, following directions is pretty much out for him at this point). Then she starting screaming at me which led to her slapping me. So now Grandma sleeps in the chair 24/7 for everyone's sanity.
I digress.
Grandpa went back to bed this morning. Merry and Jeni will probably only surface shortly before they have to get ready for a graduation/wedding open house later today as they are exhausted too. Matt had 2 nights on the couch so he is also catching up on much needed rest.
Needless to say, Mass is not an option today.
So I am sitting here looking across the house out my living room window. It is a decent view- trees, the farm across the road and the beans from the corporate farmer. Just a week or so ago, the field was very green. This morning is is a golden yellow. With the yellows, golds and reds erupting everywhere we are forced to accept that Fall is on it's way. September has pretty much been a blur for me. It is hard to believe we are over half way through it already.
One of the things I love about Fall are how gorgeous red barns look next to the autumn trees. Living in a place with 4 seasons really is a gift from God........... I can't wait for my next horse ride.

Stardate 9/19/2009

This is our group for the BIH show. One of our older girls was out due to sickness and of course Jeni is missing. She was our MC! The girls did a very good job!

Merry, Tammy, Ken and Karl. I made Merry and Tammy's dresses. No one was sure how the Scottish theme would turn out but it was truly very beautiful and well done.

Today was a power day like no other! There was dance class for the little guys, a big show over at the Perani Center in Flint for Fox 66's BIH Fall festival event which Jeni helped organize and run, then Tammy and Ken's wedding. Well we pulled it off. I am showing off a couple of pictures.
Our poor aid put in a very LONGGG day with grandpa and Grandma!

Sigh..............

This is me. Actually this is all of us these days. Grandma is wearing us out. She is in a lot of pain so takes a lot of meds and sleeps most of the time, but it is the small amounts of time she doesn't sleep that become the problem. She is not accepting the end of her life STILL. She is not really doing much in the way of mental and spiritual preparation so the rest of the journey is going to be difficult, stressful and probably pretty unpleasant. I keep shaking my head in perplexity. The problem seems to have something to do with her not accepting separation from her husband. She must have some screwy, romantic idea about soul mates passing together. (No, she did not see "The Notebook" and my kids assure me this situation has nothing in common with that one. I am taking a rain check on watching it as I don't need that kind of emotionally charged activity in my life on top of everything else right this minute.)
That would be fine I guess, but he is making it clear that they are 2 separate people who have two separate paths. (Yes, even in his very deteriorating state he gets his point across. He is such a hoot.)
She is not happy about this and is being quite stubborn. Unfortunately the rest of us are the ones who are being punished.
The way she landed back in her shoes with such a thud gave me the impression that she had unfinished business. Unfortunately she does not seem to be making any progress there. Thankfully her body is shutting down in spite of her best efforts to "shove this under the rug" so she will have to move on. I just wish she would actually do her homework so it would be a little less difficult and violent for the rest of us.
Sigh.....................

Update on Adele

Not a lot of big news on her since last week. She had a bag packed and was on her way to the other side last Tuesday. She was quite surprised and indignant when she woke up Wednesday morning. So I took that to mean the other side sent her back to finish business. By that I assume it is her relationship with her husband which is just not healthy. The first couple of days she appeared to be working on some things, but as she became stronger, the poopiness in her returned with a vengeance. For a few days I was about to kill her. But she is weakening again gently and does appear to be working some. She is just a spoiled, naughty little girl who was always able to shmooze and massage those around her to give her what she wanted. When that didn't work, she threw such a fit, everyone just backed away. I fully understand now why the 2 of them were so distant with everyone including each other and why the power struggles were so fierce. Matt is learning a lot about his past and it has been good for him to even if a bit draining.
While she is not giving the process good effort and she is fighting giving up control like I have never seen, she is just going to have to relent and come to peace with things. The crux of the problem seems to revolve around the 2 of them and I am sure she is not willing to accept that they can't go together, BUT GOD will win out and this too shall pass. I will update as something noteworthy happens. In the meantime, your prayers to help her accept passing over will be very helpful. As well as prayers to help Lee cope with all this without a major decline. Thanks in advance!

Dance Classes Commence!

Well, the fall season is under way whether I am ready or not. Mostly I am not. I am so overwhelmed with tasks because of grandma, BUT beginning the season is good for my soul. The kids make me smile and laugh, we have GREAT families and it is A BIT OF OUR NORMALCY BACK. I had to end the horse lessons prematurely. Hopefully it is only temporary, but since Adele has been declining so hard, I have barely been getting my teeth brushed or getting out to spend time with the critters let alone have ANY free or ME time. Well, this too shall pass. People ask all the time what I will do when this part of my life is completed. Believe me, I have no shortage of things to pick up where I left off. While I wish her a gentle peaceful passing, I also am looking forward very much to my old life back.

Olga Checks In!!!

Just when I thought we would never hear from her again, Olga sent an e-mail yesterday! Communication has been long and arduous with her for many reasons, but e-mail especially has not gone real well. I am not sure if the characters are having trouble going back and forth in cyber space or what. We are just very happy to hear from her. I will be sure to post as we catch up on each other's lives. Olga is a young woman from Russia who we had been corresponding with and sponsoring to some degree as a teenager. The story of how we met is pretty cute. However, we have not communicated much in a couple years so I had about given up. This is a good day indeed!

SOS Ouagadougou!

Hey you guys in Ouaga, tell Rakieta I am having trouble getting through on the phone. I bought a new phone card to try first thing tomorrow (9/9/09). Hang in there. I haven't forgotten you. Grandma is keeping me very busy and she is going to die very soon, but I will get through by telephone soon I promise!

Late Sunmmer Nights!

Well Grandma is still hanging in there. We almost lost her last week, but those on the other side sent her back. She was quite indignant about it too. She is a little less CRANKY and a bit more polite so I do think she is doing her home work BUT she is on a hefty dose of Haliperidol 2x daily as she became uncontrollable during her discussions with the relatives and such and between trying to walk when she can no longer walk, slapping me twice and being just vicious with Lee, it was decided for everyone's sanity, that she would have to have her end of life experiences a little less vividly. Anyhoo, as of tonight her body is heating up again so I think we are beginning another fun ride. Oh boy!
So, all this excitement and lack of any disposable time has reminded me to be grateful for the little things. We have a care aid who we have coming in most days in addition to the barage of Hospice folks just so we can have SOME normalcy. So I was finally able to cut all my grass yesterday. That is one of the little things I am talking about. Today I was able to skim the pool guilt free and uninterupted. This evening my rotten little ponies decided to take a trot through the yard after they broke out while I was bringing them in a wagon load full of fresh grass. While I wanted to kill them, I was grateful for the opportunity to just enjoy the experience. It felt a little bit like normal around our house. Besides it was quite entertaining to the folks inside to see these black georgous creatures flying past the windows.
I now have to put my chickens to bed before dark because my prowler is back. He is too big to catch in my big cage so it is either a wily old coon or a fox. The tail didn't look like fox, but I am not ruling it out. It looked like a cat that was at least knee high and it isn't a too fat house cat as I would have caught that by now. No this is a crafty villian to be sure. We need one of MonsterQuest's crittercams.
Well, exaustion is setting in so I will close for now. Till next time.

Weekly Ride

This weekend will be a 1 year anniversary since I made the commitment to horseback ride at least once a week. And for the most part I have been able to keep my promise. I am not a great rider and probably never will be because my reflexes are so slow. My girls did not inherit all their dancing ability from me, that's for sure.
Anyway, good rider or not, trail riding is a wonderful experience and a great way to connect with nature. I am so grateful for our "furry kids" and the joy they bring to us. I also enjoy very much being able to give others the gift of "playing with horses".
I have a lot of posting to do. The problem is I have absolutely NO EXTRA TIME. However, keep checking because this too shall pass and I will get some of my disposable time back as soon as we get Grandma off to her new life with God.