The End is in Sight

Today didn't start out so well for Grandma. She woke up and was unable to assist herself in transporting to the wheelchair and then on to the bathroom. Consequently she ended up having to consciously go to the bathroom in her Depend. I was doing the banking when all this happened. Consequently she was pretty grouchy when I walked in the door. She was also pretty incoherent which has been going on all week.
We managed to get her Depend changed and muddled our way through lunch. I put her down for a nap early because she was so lethargic and incoherent.
The LPN arrived and went in to do her check. For the first time, Adele did not spring into animation upon being touched. This is a huge sign. There have been many small changes throughout the last couple of weeks, but until this happened today with the nurse I would have had to stay skeptical that we were still really struggling.
While I am not ready yet to say that her passing is immanent, I will say that the end is in sight. There has been some progress in the spiritual area or with the other side. Not as much as would make this a very peaceful beautiful experience, but there is some progress, nevertheless.

I will be there to assist until the last breath. Then I will breathe a sigh of relief that all is complete.

Plugging Along

I have refrained from posting this last week for 2 reasons.
1. I wanted those who wanted to read Grandpa's obituary to not have to wade through several posts to find the one on Grandpa.
2. Grandma has managed to keep all 4 of us continually moving.
We allowed it for several days as we tried to assess how Grandpa's passing would affect Grandma. But as we began to see patterns and were able to figure things out, we have had to make several changes. Tonight the changes seem to be successful. But it has been a hell of a week. Grandma is aware on some level that Lee is gone. BUT, she is mostly mad at him and sometimes she flat out forgets he is gone. Mostly, everything is about her, just as it was before he passed. We allowed her demanding and needy behavior for several days because we didn't want her to come totally unglued, but eventually it was clear she really doesn't care.
She is in terminal restlessness for sure, BUT it has been going on for weeks and she is on a heavy duty does of meds as it is. So, then you have to go back to her spiritual issues.
Guess what??? Still no progress there. As far as I know, there is no deep, dark secret in her background. All this drama is based on spoiled, stubbornness.
This week I have gradually upped What we call the "BUTT KICKER" to 2 pills 4 times each day. That is allowing her to focus and to enjoy tv once again. Otherwise, she is trying to be in motion constantly and isn't happy to keep herself occupied at all. She is insistent that someone be with her at all times and she will not be gracious and do things like share the tv or accept that you have to make dinner.
Last night, because I was getting low on pills, I had given her one dose during the middle of the day instead of 2. By 6pm, she was insisting there was a conspiracy against her and trying to push her own wheel chair. So I was down at the drug store upon opening to pick up the meds this morning. She has had the proper dosages all day and for the moment things are going well.
We shall see how tomorrow goes.
Her body is growing tired. However, I am bracing for a long, rough end. Something is very wrong in this situation and no one can fix this but her. She shows absolutely no signs of working through things.
While Matt and I do not want to have to accept this. It is the reality and unless something major happens, it will just continue to be Hell.
So to get our sanity back, we have done what we can to regain control of the situation. Removing custody of the remote control from her has helped a lot. Insisting she doesn't get to control what lights are on, what shows are watched and when she is going to the bathroom (by the half hour) at all times is helping. Tonight I am going to sleep in her bed in her room which she refuses to sleep in and keep the baby monitor on. She will stay in her chair in the living room. I am sure she will not like it one bit, but it will probably help my mental health a lot.
She is not releasing and preparing to move on. So, it will have to be up to us to do it.

Passing on and God

Ok, to most of us regular, ordinary Midwest folks over the age of 35-40, God and Jesus are part of our fabric. I grew up knowing that even those mad at God or those who were non practicers, if the chips were down, would suddenly remember God.
As I moved out of my northern Michigan isolation and met more people from all over the world, I came to realise that not everyone had such an understanding of God. Sadly, in addition our culture in the last 20-30 years has become increasingly secular so more and more children do not know God. But that is another post.
Myself, I could not, no I would not want to deal with everything life has to dish out if I wasn't in constant communication with the other side. It is what keeps me going in good times and in bad. We are practicing Catholics. But one side of my family was protestant and being a veteran home school family we are pretty well versed in all the facets of the protestant side of Christianity. My own beliefs are not strictly doctrinal. I have seen too much in my life to be too rigid, but it is very easy for me to say without a doubt: "There is a very active, communicating afterlife out there."
That brings me to the main point of this post. We almost lost Grandma 3 weeks ago. That day she was in definite communication with the other side. I never heard her refer to God, Jesus or any angels but she did have a guy in a janitor's uniform hanging around. He was her CUSTODIAN. So the afterlife does have a sense of humor. The next day she did whisper the Lord's Prayer quietly, but then NOTHING!
With each day, she became more and more demanding, spoiled, self absorbed and insistent she was back to rule the roost.
No self reflection, No talking to or about the relatives or the old days, no making peace, no finishing unfinished business. Just Ursula the sea Witch lording over the living room!
Grandma is very materialistic. They quit going to church a long time ago. And even before they quit they were the lazy Catholics us up north folks always shook our heads in bewilderment at who left Mass right after communion. For those of you who don't get this, northern Michigan is full of vacationers in the summer. Those guys would go to Mass in our churches and then after they received communion, instead of going back to their pews to pray, they always just continued out the exits. Us locals were always a little baffled about this ritual because it made no sense to us.
I am digressing. sorry.
Anyway, we always pray for a family meal. So I make any guest who is at our table pray too. I figure if nothing else, it teaches the different traditions families have. So Grandpa and Grandma also prayed at the house when they came over. Once they moved in the practice continued. Now most Catholics pray the "Bless us our Lord" prayer. Unless we have practicing protestant people over, that is the prayer we use also. If we have someone who is well versed in free prayer over, we let them lead.
Grandpa and Grandma were both raised with the "Bless us our Lord" prayer. So it has been an easy thing for them to remember as they have declined.
One day several months ago, we had carry out food and only a partial family attending. We began to eat without praying. Grandpa sat there and grinned at me and wouldn't eat. He kept smiling at me. I knew something was up, but couldn't figure it out. Finally he said "Well aren't we going to....and he genuflected (Father, Son, Holy Spirit thing for you non catholics) I said "Of Course and we all put down our food and prayed. Since that day we always pray no matter what. Grandma, for all her need to short cut things and completely destroy traditions, also has found solace in this.
So it was a bit of a surprise to me when it dawned on me last night as I watched her obsess over her calendar for what seemed like hours that perhaps these obsession spells that she goes through daily are part of her refusal to let the other side through. She also blasts the tv to deafening levels at different times of the day. I am certain that is what that is about. It also dawned on me that except for the meal prayer, the other person completely absent from her life is God, Jesus or even Mary. Hmmmmmm.........................................
This is a mystery that only she and the other side can solve. My best guess is that she went, saw something she didn't like or was told to go back and resolve something and so fell back into her shoes with a thud. (read a few posts back for more on that)
Unfortunately, all she is doing is refusing to deal with her upcoming passing. If she doesn't give in pretty soon she will suffer physically going out as her body is beginning to show distress. I hate to see that, but only she can make the changes needed.
My granny also died from geriatric cancer. She was 85. BUT there was a huge difference. She made peace with God and her affairs pretty quickly. Consequently, she went very gently and peacefully. Based on my observations, this really does seem to make a huge difference.

Grandma's new DOO!

This is a picture Of Adele, aka Grandma K., and when I am really losing patience with her "Ursula the sea Witch". I just had to post this though, especially since I have not been so gracious in my writings about her of late.
This picture was taken Friday. She especially requested this because she loves her hairdo so much. Adele was never a wash and set weekly gal. Upon moving to Imlay City, that was one of the first clues that things were unraveling with the Kalinowski grandma. Her hair was looking pretty unkempt. I suggested she spoil herself with this. She eventually did find a hair dresser just down the block and she dearly loved Vicki, BUT she would only go sporadically and usually with no notice. Once she moved in with us, she kept trying to pull the "Give me the phone, I want to go get my hair washed and set now" garbage. No matter how much I explained that this was not courteous and that Vicki needed her to get on a schedule, it didn't sink in and she would just spew tantrums at me that only a mother-in-law can hurl. Luckily, she had largely forgotten how to use the phone correctly and I had the car keys so I was able with some gentle persuasion able to get her on a schedule by just working directly with Vicki. Of course after just 2 appointments she was hooked, so I then moved her to weekly which was taking car of hygiene as well as giving her a special day out. So that has been our Tuesday morning routine since December 2008. She attended those appointments every week even though it was getting increasingly difficult right up until the week we almost lost her in early September.
It took a little while to get Hospice organized the way I needed them to be but 2 Fridays ago our traveling hair dresser finally arrived. While Adele was thrilled with the shampoo, she immediately threw a fit over the hair do. So this week, Cyndy the drill Sargent, had to get Hospice and the traveling hair dresser to get their act together. (For any of you who have ever dealt with a chronic medical situation where there is a revolving door of staff invading your privacy non stop you can relate, I am sure)
So this week Kim arrived ready to tackle Ursula the Sea Witch and her angry attitude over her hair. With my fussing like a young mother and Kim's great expertise as a hair artist, we achieved the humongous task. Grandma wheeled back off to her chair satisfied. Now the big test-would she still be happy several hours later? Well, the litmus test is in the picture. She loved it so much she wanted a picture. So Kim is a resounding success and miracle worker!

Sigh..............

This is me. Actually this is all of us these days. Grandma is wearing us out. She is in a lot of pain so takes a lot of meds and sleeps most of the time, but it is the small amounts of time she doesn't sleep that become the problem. She is not accepting the end of her life STILL. She is not really doing much in the way of mental and spiritual preparation so the rest of the journey is going to be difficult, stressful and probably pretty unpleasant. I keep shaking my head in perplexity. The problem seems to have something to do with her not accepting separation from her husband. She must have some screwy, romantic idea about soul mates passing together. (No, she did not see "The Notebook" and my kids assure me this situation has nothing in common with that one. I am taking a rain check on watching it as I don't need that kind of emotionally charged activity in my life on top of everything else right this minute.)
That would be fine I guess, but he is making it clear that they are 2 separate people who have two separate paths. (Yes, even in his very deteriorating state he gets his point across. He is such a hoot.)
She is not happy about this and is being quite stubborn. Unfortunately the rest of us are the ones who are being punished.
The way she landed back in her shoes with such a thud gave me the impression that she had unfinished business. Unfortunately she does not seem to be making any progress there. Thankfully her body is shutting down in spite of her best efforts to "shove this under the rug" so she will have to move on. I just wish she would actually do her homework so it would be a little less difficult and violent for the rest of us.
Sigh.....................

Update on Adele

Not a lot of big news on her since last week. She had a bag packed and was on her way to the other side last Tuesday. She was quite surprised and indignant when she woke up Wednesday morning. So I took that to mean the other side sent her back to finish business. By that I assume it is her relationship with her husband which is just not healthy. The first couple of days she appeared to be working on some things, but as she became stronger, the poopiness in her returned with a vengeance. For a few days I was about to kill her. But she is weakening again gently and does appear to be working some. She is just a spoiled, naughty little girl who was always able to shmooze and massage those around her to give her what she wanted. When that didn't work, she threw such a fit, everyone just backed away. I fully understand now why the 2 of them were so distant with everyone including each other and why the power struggles were so fierce. Matt is learning a lot about his past and it has been good for him to even if a bit draining.
While she is not giving the process good effort and she is fighting giving up control like I have never seen, she is just going to have to relent and come to peace with things. The crux of the problem seems to revolve around the 2 of them and I am sure she is not willing to accept that they can't go together, BUT GOD will win out and this too shall pass. I will update as something noteworthy happens. In the meantime, your prayers to help her accept passing over will be very helpful. As well as prayers to help Lee cope with all this without a major decline. Thanks in advance!